Dante Saves You: Annoying Neighbor Edition

Since I started this Dante Save You series I’ve tried to teach you how to survive everything from aliens to crazy White women. But I somehow managed to not mention one thing that is closest to home: Annoying Neighbors. Yeah, I somehow skipped right on past this nonsense. This topic came about from Cam having to deal with some new loud ass partying neighbors.

Pretty much all of us have neighbors that bother us unless you live in the woods by yourself in which case how in the hell are you even reading this? Neighbors tend to suck more often than not. Borrowing your sugar, lawnmowers, wives. I have had my fair share of bad neighbors so I feel that I am the guy to go to when it comes to handling them…with extreme force!

Dante Vs. Nature 11

I hate crickets. And grasshoppers. Stupid grasshoppers. I don't even like their name. Their names are like callings ants "ground crawlers." While on the phone with Cam last week I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye. Using my SEAL Team 6 training I immediately deduced that it was not a threat. But still it had invaded my personal space and the son of a bitch had to be taken down.

This was not the first time I had to handle a cricket. Years ago when I was working at the porn shop I was trying to go to sleep. I worked starting at 6am and losing sleep was not an option. I heard the little bastard making noise and found it in the kitchen. I couldn't see it but the noise it made was being carried throughout my apartment. I turned on the light and it got quiet. Turned it off and it got loud. It was playing games with me.

Bad Advice From People 1

From birth we are given bad advice. I'm not talking about stuff like rubbing milk on a burn which totally works. I'm talking about the shit that people say to you that makes you look at them like a dog that's just heard a whistle. Advice so stupid that you let out a little poop. Not a lot. Just a little. You prairie dog it.

I have made a list of things that I have heard or been told that made me scream on the inside. If you have said these things to someone you should stop reading this and run into a wall. Go. There's no shame in being wrong. Still here? Good. Can you believe those assholes ran into a wall?

Story Behind The Photo 14

This is me when I was 16. I was new at Fairfax and hated it for a hundred different reasons. One of them is pictured in this picture with me. He was my photography teacher. Meaning he charged me to buy photo paper and film and spent his free time asking if I were gay, had ADD, or talking about his shitty marriage. This man single-handedly made me hate photography. I was like “Sure. Point. Shoot. Develop. Whatever.” Of course I’m better now and take pictures all the time. But goddamn if I didn’t hate this man.

Click here to see more Story Behind The Photo.

Dante & His Friends Miss Food

Question for my blog. You can answer it here. If you could bring back any food, candy, or snack from your childhood that is no longer made, what would it be? Mine is Bacon Cheeto's.

Trixie: Whhhhhhhhhhhhhat? CHOCODILES MOFO!

Heather: Chocodiles factor heavily as a wooing tool in my upcoming novel.

As they should.

Dan: Goo Goo Clusters are two I can think of.

Heather: They still make those!

Don't Cheap Out On The TP

While hanging out shopping with Cam last weekend I noticed something while in Ralph’s supermarket. There are a lot of different brands of toilet paper. Growing up we used to get the blue and green colored ones. Its hard to find that kind now since it probably has chemicals in it that would make your ass fall off or something. I found out a few months back that there’s a black toilet paper which makes me wonder how you know where you’re…done.

A literal crap shoot.

As a kid there used to be these commercials for Charmin brand toilet paper with this dude named Mr. Whipple. He would tell you not to squeeze the Charmin. I don’t know why he did. It wasn’t like it ruined the toilet paper. It was just his thing. My brother used to hate if you entered his two-door car from the drivers side. No explanation why. It was just his thing. I don’t think anything bad would happen if you ran down a aisle squeezing Charmin.

Rosscast Episode 257: Are You For It Or Agin' It?!

In this episode I discuss my dislike for The Valley, eating food with Cam and cannibals (and our blog at rocketsandchicken.blogspot.com), a crazy pastor that wants to round up gays, talking to my father, and two Only In Florida stories involving spousal abuse and stealing vibrators. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante & Friends Talk Buses 2

People like to scream on the bus. One day while coming from the DMV I got aboard the Santa Monica 4 bus and this young Black dude was screaming and yelling. Now, knowing I’m coming from the DMV my mood is already not a pleasant one. So listening to this asshat is not improving my outlook on life.

“I’ll beat any motherfuckers ass! Fuck you, bitch!” He’s screaming at a girl who refused to talk to him. “What you gon’ do?!” he shouts to a guy who tells him to settle down. “I’ll beat any ni**a on this bus that step to me!”

Enter Dante.

I am standing a few seats away from all this horseshit and am tired of it. As he says he will beat anyone I straighten to my full height and turn towards him. He stops mid sentence, looks at me, lowers his head…and sits down. A few people start laughing. I wanted to laugh but didn’t want to ruin the show. I left the bus smiling knowing that I’m a large Black man that can scare people.

Story Behind The Photo 13

"Do you work tomorrow?"

And so began the trip to San Francisco. It was a Friday night and we had all gone out to the club and dancing. Let me try and remember who all went. Me, Fish, Engineer, Scholar, Pirate, and maybe a couple other folks I cant think of right now. I had gotten so wasted. It was a nice drunk though. I was still functioning.

I was laying in Fish's room staring at the ceiling and enjoying the feeling of being bombed. Scholar, Pirate, Engineer, and Fish were in Engineer's room hanging out. I heard bits and pieces of their conversation.

DVDiculous: Superman Vs. The Elite

Most people know from reading my blogs or talking to me that I’m not a fan of Superman. On my old Dark Nerd Strikes blog (which months ago was absorbed into this one and was absed on comic book related stuff and is accessed by clicking anywhere it says darknerdstrikes.blogspot.com) I talked about how if Supes was so great then he would take shit to a whole new level and do things like kill Lex Luthor and scare the hell out of criminals the way Batman does. Well, this film showed me what would happen if that were the case.

I pick things up and put them down!

Clark Kent and Lois Lane are enjoying a walk after watching a cheesy ass commercial starring Superman in an animated film when trouble starts. Oh, before I forget. The beginning credits for this movie rules ass. Superman starts fighting Atomic Skull who is a bit more powerful than the last time Supes fought him. Skull is turning people into ashes and Superman beats him and locks him away for the hundredth time. I like that Skull was a force and not just that dude with the flaming head he’s been for years.

"Air Force Five" Part 1

“A trickle of strangers were all that were left alive.” - David Bowie

“Is it bad, Nanny?” the wounded soldier asked as I bandaged his wounds. “They’re bad, huh? How bad?” With every heartbeat blood changed the color of his shirt. “You can tell me--” I covered his mouth with his shirt as I rolled it up to investigate his wounds further. And to shut him up.

I’m what is known as someone who is “easy to talk to.”

I hate that term.

Everyone who earns that title hates it. “Easy to talk to” means that you will have to hear everyone’s problems. All of their aches, pains, and tribulations. I got the name “Nanny” from the only person I consider a close friend, Goat’s Blood. He called me “the gay friend for every straight man.” A caretaker. Someone that can be trusted. He got his name after losing a bet in college. You’ll have to ask him about that one day.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 11

There’s this thing that many young adults and even some grown ass folks do. This thing is something that I’ve fought against even when doing it would have been the most logical thing in the world for me to do. I don’t care. Things like logic don’t live in my reality because fuck the real world.

Dante & Friends Talk Buses 1

I don’t drive. This is public knowledge and not a revelation in any sense. I have multiple reasons for not doing it so I ride the bus. I’ve been riding the bus a ton for my new job and have seen some pretty strange shit. If you’ve ever ridden the bus you’ve seen something that makes you gasp, laugh, or poop a little in your mouth. That’s totally possible by the way.

I’ve seen everything from people trimming their toenails to a woman covered in piss getting on happy as you please. But one of the most memorable instances was a woman getting her ass beat. Now, I’m not one to advocate violence *bullshit* especially against women but…this chick was asking for an ass whipping. I know, some of you are like “There is never an excuse to hit a woman!” but let me explain what happened first.

Damned Vegetables

I don’t eat vegetables. Its not to be a stubborn ass like some people think. I’ve eaten vegetables. When I was little my parents would make something for dinner and it’d usually include things like spinach, greens, or god forbid peas. My answer tends to be “it tastes like dirt” and then I get told that I’m not washing things properly.

Yummy, right? Right?!

I have had vegetables with cheese added. Spices added. Family recipes and such. The only person that has seemed to be able to make stuff with vegetables that I can eat is Cam. I don’t know what the hell she does but I’ll eat bell peppers and stuff when she makes it. So I do have the ability to consume things that grow in the ground. Just not 99% of them. Plus, I don’t like that I have to season the shit out of something just to enjoy it.