Dante Vs. Nature 72

The thing that I don't like about the outdoors is that nature is always hiding some weird shit from me. Like this thing. It's called the Patagonian mara. For sure pick a species. For sure you're a dog. For sure you're a rabbit. Either way my ass is not going near this. It looks shifty. Like it could either twitch its nose at you wanting some lettuce or start barking at your ass. Definitely bark. 

It can get two and a half feet big and weigh 35 pounds. Fuck that. It only has four digits on its front paws and three on the back because nature likes funsies as much as the next guy. Look at them legs. It's not structurally sound. If the mara was a building I'd be afraid to go in it. Now I wanna know what sounds this creature makes. If it doesn't bark its just pretending for the cameras. I wrote about this freak a while ago.

Dante Explains Shit: Net Neutrality

Lately I have been a hearing a lot about Net Neutrality. Well, that and the fact that Hollywood is just full of perverts. There are a lot of people talking about this but also squeezing in other bullshit to the point where it just sounds like noise to me and since I have the attention span of a priest at a Boy Scouts meeting I need shit explained to me simply. I'm sure some of you out there are the same way which is why I am doing this. Now let us figure out exactly what this is and why it will ruin your life.

KIds These Days 74

Kids these days are missing out on some great candy. Specifically bubble gum. When I was little I would always have something sweet in my mouth which is why my teeth were weak as green tea and rotted away or were easily knocked out. Dubble Bubble probably accounted for 30% of my tooth rot. These were cheap as hell and available anywhere. If you had a quarter which was hard to come by unless Grandmama was feeling generous you had five pieces and these things would last forever. I would chew these all day and fall asleep with a wad in my mouth and wake up looking like a spider had its way with my face. I would even take the wad out and stick it in my headboard and wake up and pop it in my mouth. Dental care, schmental care. I love chewing this cheap shit. Open up that package, lick some of that dust off (whatever the hell that was), and get to chewing for the next eight hours. Do kids even chew gum anymore? Like regular ass gum?

Hot Dog Bubblegum was not one of my favorites but for some reason I would end up with these tiny dicks in my mouth. They weren't hot or anything and the flavor went away faster than a Black father but I still liked them. You know that disgusting Fireball drink that folks like? They tasted kinda like that but without the horrible aftertaste and questionable sex. They had a slightly crunchy outside and suddenly cinnamon was forced into your mouth. These were not one of the cheaper gums so I didn't get it too often.

F**k Your Sign

Next to religious differences the next worse thing you can base a friendship or relationship on is zodiac signs. “Ooh, you're a Pisces?!” said no one ever. Dead serious. I spells it wrong most times. When someone asks me what my sign is I already know that it's not gonna make them happy. For whatever reason people do not like Pisces. I had no say in the matter of which month I was born in and even if I did I would not pick a particular one. It's not like I can say that one month is better than another. Here is my horoscope for today from a few sites.

“Career matters are probably going well for you, but you might be unsure if you want to continue along this track. You might consider other options, perhaps some you've always wanted to try but have never been in a position to do. Don't feel you have to decide now. You have plenty of time. Don't make a move until you're sure.”