Just Talking With Dante Episode 34

“How the fuck you put a domino in your dick?”

In this last episode of the year I catch you all up on my random wanderings, new pet store rules in California, stuff folks got stuck in their bodies in 2018, and play some clips from this past year featuring Jasmine. Click here for previous episodes.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 33

“How about tossing in a wet dream, life?”

In this episode I discuss my week, hanging out with friends, people carrying bad news in their pockets, a racist wrestling referee, a guy that really loves finches, two crappy mothers, and a study says Black people don't sleep enough. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 78

Bearded Vulture. Hey, look at me! I'm a living nightmare! There are enough creatures to keep me out of the water, the land is barely tolerable, and now I gotta worry about this bullshit up in the sky. This looks like something a kid with parents going through a nasty divorce would draw. Like a straight up creature from a movie. Look at that shit. I don't like it. Their wingspan can be anywhere between seven and a half to nine feet in length and fuck every foot of that. The old name for this is bone breaker which is not a name that should be used outside of porn. Their diet consists 90% of bone. Just straight up eating bones. What the fuck just sits there eating bones? This monster. They find bones, no matter how old they are, and just fly high and drop them to the ground. 

They also kill all kinds of things but tortoises seem to be their favorite to pick up off the ground and drop to their death. They also eat smaller birds by beating them to death with their wings. Wings are to get places for birds. They aren't like their arms or anything. It would be like using your bike to kill dinner. These live for about 21 years and in captivity can live to be 45 so...yeah. Thankfully these little assholes don't live here in the U.S otherwise that whole Blaxit thing would start sounding better. They have some in Africa too? Shit. Even the bible says these are not birds you should eat. I can't get down with any bird I can't eat.

Laughed To Death?

I was on Wikipedia and got stuck in what I call a “Wikihole.” I forget where I started but I ended up on a list of weird deaths throughout history. I read about a guy that died laughing. There have been a few of these but they were hundreds of years ago so there is not video of it...yet. I read about this 50 year old dude named Alex Mitchell that could not stop laughing while watching an episode of the show The Goodies. Specifically an episode known as Kung Fu Kapers and Ecky Thump. They had parts of it on Youtube but Daily Motion has the entire episode to watch. I streamed it through my Chromecast (best $30 ever spent) and prepared for my possible hilarious demise. I've never watched this show and do not plan on watching again so I don't care about these guys names.

One dude is teaching another kung fu and a third guy shows up telling them how he has a far more effective method. He refuses to teach them and they egg him on with insults until he relents the next day. They attack him with kung fu which does not work. Dressing in blackface with an afro and everything with does not work. A french getup with bread, random Asian sound effects, a Scottish dude. Nothing works. He just bonks them with black pudding and wins. They eventually put robotics into black pudding and attack the guy with remote control black pudding which pretty much looks like a bunch of dicks attacking them from the skies.

I didn't laugh once. No, I did laugh. I laughed at stuff I was saying during the show. Seriously. It looked like dude was knocking people unconscious with big, black dicks. I wasn't mad about the blackface stuff because this shit came out years before I was born. Its always silly to me when people get offended by old shit. They bring their present day anger to the past which is a great way to live a miserable life. I like stuff like Monty Python and other random thing B&H have shown me. But this show is not for me. And as you can tell by the fact that I am posting this, I did not die laughing.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 32

“If you lean on your horn for more than three seconds your car should burst into flames.”

In this sadly Jasmine free episode I talk about gatherings, random things I have been up to, read tales of dirty talk from Cosmo, and read an article about how to discipline your child. Click here for previous episodes. Songs: Pet Shop Boys What Have I Done To Deserve This/Childish Gambino This Is America Remix

Dantania Holiday Tips

It seems like lately I've been hearing a lot more about mental health and self care. Yeah. Been hearing a lot about it but not seeing it in action. That's a thing that is more prevalent today more than it used to be because with things like the internet we have the ability to appear smarter, better, and more relaxed than we actually are. I have been described by people as relaxed but I would never use that word to describe myself. I tend to expect stupid things to happen at any moment so when something does occur it is not so much as “Holy shit what happened?!” as it is “Yeah, that was about due.” Plus I have a tendency to not care far more than I should about most things.

During the holidays people get stressed out for a lot of reasons. They spend a lot of money on gifts. They have to spend time with their family. They have to travel. They are lonely because they have no one to spend the holiday with. Whatever your reason, I am gonna give you some tips on how to get through not just this time of year but regular ass stress that you can avoid by being like me. And by being like me I mean being less social. Kidding. But not at all. I'm also gonna talk about ways to avoid conflicts if you do choose to spend time with folks or have no choice.

Hair Dye Turns Girl Into Garbage Pail Kid

Doing your hair at home. It always sounds like a good idea. Do some highlights. Maybe a little trim. Next thing you know you're leaving the house wearing a hat because you fucked yourself up. This 19 year old from Paris named Estelle decided to dye her hair at home and ended up looking like what she describes as a “light bulb head.” I prefer Garbage Pail Kid. You'll see. By the way, these are those kinda things that do not happen often or have these extreme results but folks like to panic so everyone is gonna be racing to their hair dyes to see if they contain anything that can turn you into the Toxic Avenger. She started with a patch test and left it on for half an hour. All seemed well so she put it all over her head even though the box says to wait 48 hours. That seems weird. Do you just walk around with this one colored spot or something? Either way, she could feel that something just ain't right like a Keith Sweat lyric (if you got that joke marry me) and took some pills and anti-itch shit and immediately rushed to the hospital.

Kidding. She went to bed. 

When she woke up her whole head was fucked. The chemical that got her is known as PPD (paraphenylenediamine) that can cause some reactions in folks. Like her. She rolled that shit hand of the dice and turned into Large Marge. “I could not breathe. I had a lightbulb head. Before arriving at the hospital, you just don't know how long it will take for you to suffocate, if you have the time to get to the hospital or not.” Personally, I would not have even been able to go to sleep with my head feeling like shit. I have lived with Black women who had the shittiest nights' sleep because of their perm, braids, or new weave. Not from pain so much as not wanting to mess it up.

Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies

Years ago I worked at a hospital as a patient escort. When people would ask me what the job was I would just say “I move people.” I also say that the job does not exist on television. When someone is brought to a hospital on TV and movies you see every doctor that will be doing the operation or whatnot grab a side of the gurney, shout things, rush into a room, and get to work. That is not what happens. The job was way more than that though. I would get a call when someone arrived, told where to take them, do that, and then the slow process of getting someone into a room or whatever would begin.

Besides moving people around I would pick up equipment and take people to places using a wheelchair, their bed, or gurneys. And sometimes I'd have to take dead people to the morgue. There were rarely good days at the hospital but good days included not having to move a dead body. Those days sucked. In this post I am gonna talk about the Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies. If you are a sensitive mortal you probably should not read this because I'll be talking about moving dead folks. Everyone else continue reading this and never ask me why I won't work at a hospital again.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Toenails

I just watched a video of a guy getting an ingrown toenail removed. It was horrifying. Not just because he let it get so bad that he had to see a specialist but because just looking at his other toenails I could tell that this dude probably cut his nails once every few months and did absolutely nothing to take care of things like using lotion of getting rid of dead skin. The shit was foul and not necessary. Growing up my family took care of each others grooming. From haircuts, popping bumps, plucking hairs, cleaning ears, and cutting nails. One time I went over my brothers house and he asked me to cut his toenails and I said “Sure.” His girlfriend at the time and her hot ass cousin were horrified and said he'd been asking them all day. To me it wasn't a big deal. Plus there is the fact that one of my grandfathers got an infected toenail and lost his leg. Fuck that. I am not losing a leg over something as easy to take care of like a toenail. I'm not losing a leg to anything other than an alligator or a terrible snu-snu incident.

I'm not saying you need to buff and shine them. Just every few weeks look at your nails and ask “Can I slice deli meat with these? If I were asked to climb a wall without the use of my hands could I? Are my toenails the color of tea?” If the answer is yes you need to sit your ass down and handle your toenails. It does not take long and it not hard to do. If it physically hurts your body to get into position to cut your own nails then go to a shop. Or handle those random body issues. When I see a dude with jacked up fingernails I can only imagine the horror show that is happening in their shoes. There is no reason for your toenails to look like tree bark. If you said “It doesn't matter 'cause nobody can so them!” then I am gonna go ahead and assume that your dick looks like a briar patch and your fingernails look like an elephant graveyard. Just because someone can not see a problem does not mean it's not a problem. Be an adult and keep your nasty ass vessel clean.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 31

Jasmine has returned and it makes me all of the happy! In this episode we do a recap of our Ultra Fat Tour, Dante rants about voting stickers, a story about a guy spreading religion and getting an arrow in return, talk of Wild Wild Country, Dante wants a cult, talk of the guy with the Thick Neck and turning infamous to famous using the internet, how to get a good mugshot, asking Jasmine who is the better mother in two news stories, a Dear Jasmine segment, the stresses of moving out of home. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 7

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Zazz has fainted by the time I catch him. I tap his cheek and he snorts. I tap him again and he nuzzles into my arms and whimpers. This would be cute if it were my daughter. Or Ronica. Or a puppy. But not a chubby, tear streaked man that smells of onion rings. I don't even know how he manages to get onion rings here on the island but he does. I slowly head back to the ground and Ronica's disapproving glare. She is super pissed. She wasn't even this pissed off when I started that campaign to get Small Wonder brought back with the original cast. She believed that the show was a classic and a reboot would tarnish that. Sure, it turns out that she was right and Vicki the Robot put in maximum 30% effort. But still. I got to be in the music video for the remix of the theme song.

“Put Zazz down” Ronica hisses. Like actually hisses. “You and I need to talk right now, Walter.”

“But the aliens...”

“NOW.”

Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Asking For Help

There ain't nothing wrong with asking for help. Lots of guys right now are doing something wrong but are not asking for help. Sure, it is easy to say “Well, because men don't like to ask for help.” I'm not gonna be that general with this because I'm allegedly a man and I know that there is more to it than that. I used to be terrible at asking for help but I was never bad at asking questions. If you showed me how to do something I wouldn't pretend I understood, shove you out the way, and then do a shitty job of it. Till this day I will let you know that the way you said/told/did something made no sense to me and ask for some form of clarification. But for the help part...that had nothing to do with my genitals. That was a pride thing. A not wanting to look weak or stupid thing. A not wanting to appear helpless thing. But now? Help me the fuck out!

I would much rather you think I am stupid, weak, or helpless for asking for help than to fuck something up and have someone else have to do it again later. I know a big part of not being able to ask for help is because of what we think it means to be a man in the first place. What it means to be a man changes every few months so right now we have to play it by ear. All that man shit that your father and your fathers father did? No bueno. You can try, and many men do, but what'll likely happen is you'll be called some form of “ist” be it sexist, racist,or misogynist. Think back to when you were growing up and watched some guy in your life fuck something up by not asking for help. It could have been a father, uncle, brother, cousin, nephew, or even your own son. You don't want to be that guy. The one that does something, claps thinking you did a good job, leave the room, and have people roll their eyes so hard it makes a sound. If you have someone in your life that says it makes you weak to ask for help chances are they are a fuck up and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips

Dante Vs. Nature 77

What in the Barney Fife is this fresh batch of nonsense?! It has been a minute since nature walked into my mental bathroom and kicked me while I was shitting. I was on a friends FB page and saw an image of this creepy ass thing called a humphead parrotfish and thought it was fake. 

That is the problem when nature decides to get real weird with it. The shit don't look real. There are deer with fangs. Bats with huge penises. Fur covered frogs. So when this decided to get out of a Lovecraft dream and into my car I had to do some research. Much to my dismay this is an actual thing that exists on the same planet as me. You know what that feels like for me? Someone that rarely leaves the house and almost never ventures into nature? I don't like it and I don't think it is fair to me. How am I supposed to feel like the big bad human man creature because I got thumbs when there is something living in the water that shits sand? I ain't even lying! These things straight up make sand. Think I'm playing. 'Cause I'm not. I don't play when it comes to two things. Chicken and nature. 

Grown Ass Man Tips: Being Present

When I am out in the public I notice something that is getting worse with each passing year and that is being present. One definition of it is “having your focus, your attention, your thoughts and feelings all fixed on the task at hand. If you are speaking to somebody, then your attention and energy is focused on him or her and what he or she is saying.” I know this is about giving grown ass men some tips but this applies to everyone. I see people walking down the street having a conversation and texting at the same time. I have talked to people on the phone and hear them texting and saying “Uh-huh” or laughing when nothing funny was said by me because they aren't really paying attention. 

I get it. Being present is hard when there are so many distractions all over the place. But the better you are at being present the more quality time you'll have with people. Know why I'm not constantly snapping pictures when I'm out with friends? Because we're talking and I am able to recall everything we did. I actually have a thought that when I see a lot of pictures taken during a vacation the less fun is being had and the less time you're spending being present.

Kids These Days 78

If the Sad Hulk song had a visual image this would be it. When I first heard about this I didn't feel bad for this kid Teddy Mazzini because they invited a bunch of kids from his school to his 6th birthday party and no one showed up. I'm damn near 40 and have had only two in my life. I felt bad for him because one of his parents was pretty shitty for taking this picture and posting it online. I get it. People like to overshare their kids lives online. A lot of times its shit that does not need to be documented in photo form but it is, like the shame of having a party and no one showing up. This is the kinda stuff that people can end up in therapy over. Seriously. In the next twenty years there are gonna be a metric shit ton of folks in their early 20's in therapy because their parents posted some stuff of or about them online that comes back to haunt them let alone the stuff they post themselves that'll keep them from being employed because for some reason kids think its cute to be racist online. They say that the Internet never forgets. It does. Then it remembers again. Just ask James Gunn.

His dad said “I was bummed, I was bummed out for sure. Teddy, the biggest thing for him was having his classmates there, so not seeing them show up an hour into the party was disappointing. He's 6, so he was distracted by the arcade games, the pizza, he got over it quick. He's tough. But when Sil (the mother) told me she was posting the photo, I told her not to do it, but she did and it took off. It's pretty wild.” Teddy's mother said “I was kind of shocked and then at the end when I had to pay for it, I was upset” regarding the $130 bill for the pizza. “That's why I wrote a message. But I never expected any of this, for this to go so viral.” Ah. So she skipped right past petty which would have been emails to every individual family she invited to messy by making it public. That is the difference between the two by the way. Messy is public. Petty is intimate.

Machinery Hanging Out

There's nothing worse than uninvited penis. Uninvited is usually unexpected and the last place you ever expect to see a penis (all Catholic accusations aside) is in church. But 21 year old North Dakota resident Zachary Burdick was like “You know what this church is missing? Meth. Meth and penis.” So he introduced both to the equation. This week on a Tuesday morning mass at Spirit of Life Church which means that church had the most dedicated of church goers inside because who the hell else goes to church on a Tuesday morning, and got butt booty ass naked. He then got into the baptismal fountain and when he got out he was feeling the wrong kinda spirit and he started jerking it while walking towards the altar. There were 75 people inside the church at the time.

A witness told the police that Zachary splashed around in the fountain and then entered the area with his “machinery hanging” and “pumping” himself up. I laughed when I read that shit. Father Todd Kreitinger was conducting mass at the time and said Zachary had “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating.” The price to clean the fountain is said to be $500. I don't know why it costs anything. Just empty it, fill it back up, and bless it. I'm not even sure what kinda fountain it was. There seems to be a lot and they are expensive. When questioned Zachary said that he was tweaking and said he used meth and hashish oil. He also told police that he was trying to “bust a nut” in the church. He's been charged with indecent exposure which will count as a felony because it was within 50 feet of where kids would have been.

Update!

Apparently preschoolers were there at the time! And he was also trying to bless people, hopefully not with what I am thinking, and handing out the Book or Mormon. He also wants to be a rapper. This just keeps getting worse. Yep. He also has a kid. After this news broke his baby mama posted “Well, there goes child support.”

Grown Ass Man Tips: Keeping Your Cool

Throwing tantrums only works if you are a toddler or an attractive woman. If you are a grown ass man that starts yelling when you don't get your way chances are people are talking about you behind your back. Sadly, you may not even know that you are doing the opposite of keeping your cool and you're being a punk ass bitch. Yeah. No one wants to be that but how do you know you're being one if no one tells you? The thing is we now live in a time where asking for the truth is only safe around friends and some family. Not all of them because we all know aunt Patty is a gossip. 

There are many ways to learn how to keep your cool. Taking deep breaths. Counting to ten. Learning how to meditate. Float tanks. Exercising some of that bitchassness away. One way to check your keeping cool levels is to ask yourself a few questions and be honest about it. If someone cuts you off in traffic what do you do? Now ask someone who rides in the car with you what you do. If the grocery line is long what sounds do you make? Are they bitch sounds like heavy sighing or passive aggressive watch checking even though you ain't wearing one? When someone raises their voice do you take that as a chance to raise yours even louder?

The Seven Friends Your Friends Have

Whenever I write posts like these a bit of myself is in some of the personality types I'm shit talking. I do not have many friends. I have people that think they are my friend or closer to me than I have actual friends. I know that I am not an easy friend to have because I have a set of rules that I do not break and if I do it is because that ass was just too good to pass up. I know it is annoying and aggravating to my friends and people getting to know me like when you wonder why Batman won't just kill The Joker.

It's because Batman doesn't kill!

So in this post I am going to talk about The Seven Friends Your Friends Have. I write this knowing that I am some of these things to people at least for the time being. Hell I might be all of them. Meeting the friends of your friends can be either exciting or terrifying depending on what they have told you about them or given you a heads up like “Susan is a close talker.” If I meet someone's friend and they are cool I know that I'll end up being a better friend than my friend if I want. It's happened. It's not pretty.

How Not To Make A Baby

When I first heard this story from Cam I hoped it was fake. I have checked multiple sites and so far it is coming up Milhouse so I decided to write about it. A couple in China were struggling to have a baby after trying for four years of their marriage. The guy was 26 and the lady 24. Young adults. Pretty much toddlers. Their family was all over them because they had not had a kid yet. They went to a doctor to figure out what the deal was and it turns out that they were doing it wrong. Like, way wrong. They were having butt sex to conceive a child. Yeah. Even as I write this I am hoping that this is fake and that someone, let alone two people, do not think that anal sex is how a baby is made.

An obstetrician named Liu Hongmei was told by the wife that sex was painful and worried she may have a disease. The doctor using science determined that the wife was still a virgin and gave them some sex education handbook probably called “Sex For Dummies.” A few months later she got pregnant and they sent her a few chickens and eggs to thank her. It seems that this not knowing how to bone down properly is an actual thing. Sex ain't talked about that way and students have held protests demanding that they get the proper education. Here my whole thing. I knew how to have sex over a decade before it happened. I got a cousin that is equal in intelligence to a wombat that somehow has two kids. He figured that shit out. I don't know how you can have sex with someone for four years and not accidentally knock on the wrong door.

Dante Vs. Nature 76

Some damned fool decided to play a game of slap ass with a hippo at the L.A. Zoo. This ass smacking bandit has not been caught yet but was filmed climbing the way too short for what is inside wall and acting like he was at an Atlanta strip club. The two hippos, Rosie and her daughter Mara, were just minding their business when this guy decided to take the highway to the danger zone and get his smack on. It doesn't seem like smacking a hippo is a bad thing...if you dumb. 

I saw this crazy documentary years ago called Congo with Bruce Campbell and it opened my eyes to the dangers of hippos. Later when the internet became a thing I could watch these creatures that I thought wiggled their ears, flung shit out their butts and swatted it like a fan with their tail, and had little birds eat leavings in their teeth chase Africans at speeds that made no sense and proved that god was not only cruel but liked a good laugh. They say about 500 people are killed by hippos every year in Africa which means the real number is closer to 20,000 because Africa don't wanna look like no punk bitch being killed by river pigs. If I were this guy I'd never want to be caught because showing up to court is gonna be eleven kinds of embarrassing and if he is locked up it is he who will become the hippo. Plus smacking butts is just rude unless they are into it. Then its fun as hell. But not with hippos. Don't smack hippo ass. Ever.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Standing Down

There are times in your life when you feel like you need to say something. Not because you are a man and “mansplaining” which is a term I hate because no matter what gender you are we all do it. But, men, we are at a time in history where learning to shut the fuck up, don't get involved, and picking your battles is more important than ever. Today guys are throwing themselves on grenades that are in the other room. They will hear something in passing and chime in. They will start an argument just because it is a thing to do and it is way out of hand now. They consider it a debate or discussion when in reality they are unhappy with their life in some way and looking for anything to distract them from dealing with it. “Why would I waste my time cleaning my house, taking better care of my body, and being nice to my people when there are women trying to walk around topless in New York?! What? No. I live in California, but still. Topless!”

Over the last few years I have made an effort to stand down more. Not because of society or because what is allegedly between my legs. But because it is just not worth my time to get involved in shit that does not concern me. I would lose my mind overhearing stupid things people were saying especially if they were talking about something I knew a lot about. But the strangest thing happened when I stopped doing it. I had more free time to think about things that interested me. I would just think “Damn, they are really confident in their ignorance” and continue about my day.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 30

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our not Fat Tour to Yardbird and Trejo's Donuts, me (Dante) talking about women and Jasmine accusing me of running from them, trying to stay healthy...ish, Kim Kardashian beefing with Tyson Beckford's old ass, I complain about fake butts, Demi Lovato od-ing, R. Kelly's new song “I Admit”, Jasmine assaults me with a song called “Sweet Tooth” by City Girls, people getting stabbed in theaters, I am shocked Jasmine does not go to concerts, and a woman biting noses off of faces. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 6

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Life is so much easier when you don't have a family or love anyone more than yourself. I know it sounds super shitty but it is true. Before I had the love of my life Ronica and my baby Milly aka Portable Rave all I cared about was solving problems in time to go to the club or before In & Out closed and making sure my mom stayed away from tabloid racks. But as I fly below ginormous spaceships that are trying to destroy the planet and heading home I am more afraid of what my lady is gonna say and do to me than I am about the world being blown up. This sucks. On the bright side I took the full blast from a laser beam from an alien ship and all's it did was knock me out.

For six days.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 29

Jasmine is here! We talk about the failure that was the DTLA Donut Fest, eating at Chimney, taste test some sodas, and find out a shocking surprise about our new favorite donut spot Donut Friend. Click here to check out previous episodes.

 

Dante's New Word Alert: Cuck

When I watch people play video games (yeah, I watch Cartoonz up in my room) or when I see a video of an angry dude shouting before being knocked out they scream this word “cuck.” I was like “Do they mean what I think they mean?” because I thought it meant the word cuckold and due to some of my internet habits that means something way different and would be weird to shout at someone. Urban Dictionary, the foremost source of knowing what the fuck you kids are saying describe a cuck as:

“A man who lets his wife or girlfriend have sex with other men. Often the man lets her do whatever she wants and treat him like shit” as well as “A man who is desperate for acceptance, approval, and affection from women. This desperation has led to the compromise of his beliefs and values, the desecration of his dignity and self-worth, and his inability to stand up for himself and what he deserves as a human being, eg. loyalty, fidelity, and honesty in a romantic relationship.”

Dante Saves You: Jurassic Park Edition

It has been years since I have tried to save you all and look at what's happened. Wars all over the world. A freak for a president. Hawaii is being very Hawaiian. It's nuts. So I have returned once again to try and teach you goofy bastards how to save yourself from yourselves because y'all like to leave the house and when that happens weird and violent shit occurs. In this Dante Saves You I'll save you from the various Jurassic Parks. Why? Because there are fucking dinosaurs there and you need to not go but decided to anyway because you wanted a selfie with something that could eat you and be hungry again before it even shits you out.

Kids These Days 77

I was talking to Cam a few days ago about things that were around when we were little and I thought of the vacuum. Yeah, they still make them these days but not the way they did when I was little. Probably because hundreds of children were devoured by them. My Grandmama had one that had to weigh about 40 pounds and had a spotlight on the front because...reasons. Maybe for vacuuming in the dark or under couches in which case your couch is too damned high if this could fit underneath it. If the weight was not enough you had to worry about all the different components. I also need to point out that it sounded like the apocalypse when it was on. 

Today if the vacuum is full you just take out the convenient compartment and dump it out. Groovy. Back in the day you had to throw out a bag, eat some of the dust whether you wanted to or not, and put on another bag. Simple. But not at all. After attaching the bag you would have to secure it with a black band (which after working in a porn shop realized looked exactly like cock rings) and hope you did it right. There was also a belt that made the brush turn. It was a whole thing that was not fun and I'd wait until someone else changed the bag because I liked cleaning but hated set up.

When Your Kid Won't Leave

I do not have kids. But I used to be one. And one thing that I know was that I wanted to move away from my parents as soon as I could. Did I try hard? No. I should have gotten a job in junior high and/or high school. I should have made a plan. But I didn't. I planned on vanishing after school and just wandering the planet until I landed in Japan. Thankfully when I was 18 I got a job and was able to move into my ex's home with her family and after being booted with no backup place to live I got the place I've been living in for 19 years now. But while living with my ex and her family I cleaned every day, took out trash, helped with laundry, cleaned litter boxes, walked the dog, and other things. I offered to pay rent but that was turned down. I have been super unemployed with only thirty-five cents to my name at one point in time. I'm saying all this to say that shit can get rough. I don't have a family that can throw thousands of dollars at me to dig me out of a hole and I'll be damned if I ever move back in with them.

30 year old Michael Rotondo does not feel the same way as me.

About eight years ago he lived in his own place for a year and a half and during that time he used his penis irresponsibly and helped create a human. He ended up losing his job and moved back in with his parents. Understandable. He was previously working at Best Buy but quit after refusing to work Saturdays because that is when he'd get to see his kid. He also sued for discrimination. Of course he did not win. He also went to community college to study engineering but quit when he “couldn't hack the math.” There is a term being tossed around called “failure to launch syndrome” that is running wild like Hulkamania for a number of different reasons.

Dante Vs. Nature 75

You are looking at the image of a killer named Gerald. I heard this story on a podcast and thought that they were making it up but it turns out that a damned giraffe killed a man. I have seen them fight each other but seriously thought they posed zero threat to humans. I was wrong. I even checked how many people have been killed by giraffes. Zero. I just see them chasing people or them doing that stupid fighting that they do where they throw their necks at one another. A South African director named Carlos Carvalho was killed by Gerald after being headbutted. 

His focus puller named Drikus van der Merwe said “I was standing right next to Carlos when the giraffe suddenly swung its neck and hit him on his head above his ear and sent him flying about four or five meters through the air.” That's 12 to 15 feet and a far ass distance to be launched by a headbutt. He added “It came out of nowhere and Carlos didn’t even see it coming. He wasn't aware of the danger.” Yeah. That's nature for you. 

Its strange how people and nature work. If this was a dog it would be shot and killed. If it were a whale people would find reasons why it attacked. But a giraffe? Ain't nobody trying to take out a giraffe. A spokesperson for the location where people can come and film and photograph these animals said “He was unauthorised to film. He went off on his own. He wanted to get some shots to prove a point. He was trying to excel. Gerald was not to blame and would not be put down. We are not going to shoot Gerald. He was not in the wrong. I don't consider him to be a dangerous animal.” Apparently just this past Monday a lion attacked and killed his owner and as put down because of it. “He's just a huge wild animal and the guy disobeyed safety regulations. I'm very sad for his family. But I'm not one of those people who blames the animals.” 

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Dante's New Word Alert: Incels

I just found out something new. Incels. I had never heard this phrase or term before and decided to check it out. I thought that this was a joke or some small thing that would go away. Turns out that it has been around, like, forever, but was given the name “involuntarily celibate” by a lady from Toronto named Alana in 1993 after she came out as bisexual. She started a forum online, Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project, but shut it down because, surprise!, a bunch of angry ass men joined to rage against women that didn't want to bone down with them. She stated in 2016 interview in Elle “Like a scientist who invented something that ended up being a weapon of war, I can't uninvent this word, nor restrict it to the nicer people who need it.”

Urban Dictionary's top rated definition states that an Incel is “involuntarily celibate, a person (usually male) who has a horrible personality and treats women like sexual objects and thinks his lack of a sex life comes from being ugly when its really just his blatant sexism and terrible attitude. Incels have little to no self awareness; even when they see other 'ugly' men with girlfriends, they consider these men to be tricksters who have somehow beat the system and can get women despite being cursed with unattractiveness.” New York Times describe it as “Incels are misogynists who are deeply suspicious and disparaging of women, whom they blame for denying them their right to sexual intercourse.”

Grown Ass Man Tips: Periods

Periods get looked at two ways by dumb asses. You either think it is this week long time where women act crazy and over emotional. Or you can't bone down with them because they are bleeding (in which case get back to me when you become an adult). Even while looking for an image for this all of them are about guys tackling their girl because she is off her period or women crying or stuffing their faces. So what the hell is a period? First off, PMS (premenstrual syndrome) is not a period. All that shit that guys complain about regarding women during their period is the PMS part. During this time their bodies decide to attack the block in a number of ways. They get stressed out, weird cravings, crippling pains, bloating, mood swings trouble sleeping, constipation, and cramps that can range from not that bad but definitely there to wanting to rip their uterus out.

I will never pretend to know what it is like to have a period or accuse a woman of having one even jokingly. I grew up around way too many women I respected and hang out with ones to even have those kinda stupid thoughts. Not a lot of guys do and they say shit like “What's wrong? You on your period?” and wonder why they are on the ground and their lips hurt. You're probably wondering why blood is even involved. It's just the lining in their uterus shedding and it has to come out. It gets shed to possibly get ready to get pregnant. Sucks that their bodies don't ask first. So once the body is like “Another month, another not getting pregnant” it comes out. A ladies body goes through this jacked up and painful phases in preparation to possibly getting pregnant and when it doesn't it does it all over again in about a month.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 5

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

You ever wake up two miles in the sky wearing a hospital gown with a catheter dangling between your legs? Okay, I guess that's just me. I'm not sure exactly what happened or how long I've been in bed getting the best sleep I've ever got in my life, but shit looks super bad in the sky. The sky has a weird hue to it and everything smells like a storm is coming. I float back down to my room. I can tell its my room because the window is shattered. I head back inside and there are a bunch of nurses and doctors. I close my gown and curtsy. I'm not sure what else I am supposed to do in this situation.

“So, what I miss?” I ask this cute nurse. She is speechless. I mean, she did just see my donger so I get it, but I have shit to do. Last thing I remember was cursing and then a flash of light followed by the worse pain I've ever felt. “I see a bunch of ships in the sky so I am assuming the president did not handle this situation.”

“Uh...no” a doctor says. He looks like Vince McMahon from the 80's. “You have been here for six days.”

Kids These Days 76

There are certain news stories I see pop up and it makes me think “What, that's illegal?” or “You weren't supposed to do that with your kids?” I'm not saying that the way I was raised was properly handled. For sure I'm not saying that. I'm not even saying it was terrible. It was just different. In this Kids These Days post I am gonna talk about some concerns parents have today and how I handled them growing up. Meaning how I ended up all fucked up and weird.

Left in hot cars. When I was little I got left in hot cars all the time while my parents went shopping. It wasn't seen as a bad thing for me such as a boring thing. There ain't shit to do in a locked car but sweat and attempt to talk to a sibling. After twenty seconds of no success I'd start looking around for shit inside. But under no circumstances were we allowed to get out of the car. “Why didn't they roll the windows down?” you ask. Probably fear of someone stealing the car. I guess. Or I was being slow roasted in the worst way.

I remember vividly the smell of hot interior and sweating my ass off in the car until my parents got back. Ah, the feeling of a car door opening and fresh air coming in and the wind on my face as the car began to move...followed by the terrible car sickness I used to get when I was young. Reports say that on average 37 kids die in hot cars a year. That is a lot of hot kids in cars. When I see stories about it nowadays the cops are called and windows are bust the windows open, pulling a sweaty child out while the parent is like “Uh...I was only gone for a few minutes!” No, you wasn't! You got receipts from four places and a smoothie!

Dante Explains Shit: Stem Cells

Just what the fuck is a stem cell? Ain't it that stuff they yank out of aborted babies and men use to get their dicks working again or something? No. I used to think it was all about that first part but I was wrong. These nasty things we call bodies are made up of cells. They do different things and that is where stem cells come into play. These weird sons of bitches can become pretty much anything when introduced into the body. Decades ago they were isolated and used to help with transplants. Using cells for transplants that are from someone related is always preferable but not always available. There is a shit ton of research into stem cells and what they can do and so far they are used to treat over eighty diseases.

There are two kinds of stem cells. Embryonic ones are just blank cells. They are in the womb and don't even know what to do yet sort of like most of humanity. They are just cells and have the potential to become anything. There is controversy with this because people like babies and think all of them have the ability to possibly be a human. The other cells can be gathered from umbilical cord tissue and are known as Adult stem cells. These are more limited in what you can do with them because they are like that cousin you have that thinks he is gonna be a rapper even though his mixtape is hot garbage. They have made their decision an they're gonna stick with it. Embryonic cells on the other hand are like Multiple Man. They will break off and do whatever the fuck they want.

Bigger Than Starbucks

I am Black. Or African-American. Or Negro. Or colored. I prefer “Blacker” but for the sake of this post I'll just say that I'm Black. It doesn't matter that one of my great-great grandmother was raped by the White guy that owned her and had a bunch of kids. I'm Black. There is some Native American sprinkled in too but still, you know. Black. A while ago I wrote how being Black was about 60% good and 40% bad. That 40% is bad because it leads to death or imprisonment. I have been thinking a lot about being Black lately. Mostly a Black guy. Black women have a set of problems I'll ask one of them to write about some day. Their story is different than mine. I don't know if you've heard but some shit went down at a Philadelphia Starbucks location. I won't get into how Starbucks here in California was ordered to put labels on their products saying that they have chemicals that cause cancer (a chemical called acrylamide which is a byproduct of roasted coffee and this ruling is mostly cautionary though acrylamide irritates skin and can cause tumors on skin). Let's take a quick look at what went down in Philly.

No Bad News

Years ago after watching Bowling For Columbine I decided to stop watching the news. During a scene where they went to where the L.A Riots started and you saw how much of a regular ass street it was I thought “How much news do I watch?” This was in 2002 before the internet was useful. I did not own a computer and did not talk about the news much with people unless it was something sensational that everyone was talking about. I was working in a porn shop and had been for a few years. My brother had passed away the year prior. I was single again after a four year relationship. My apartment was still new to me. Things were weird.

I sat and thought about the news that I was watching. Mostly Fox 11 back before Fox was FOX. What a weird word fox is. I would wake up and watch an hour and a half of news. When I got home it would be on in the background and it was what I would watch late at night. I calculated that I was watching at minimum three hours of news a day which was about 21 hours a week. That is almost a damned day worth of badness. Not all of it was badness. A lot of it was just nonsense. Stories about dogs that could yo-yo. Girls who could not stop hiccuping. How good chocolate was for you around Valentine's Day. But as the war in Iraq and wherever else we felt like getting oil and shit from continued the news changed and along with it the way people behaved.

Five Things I Learned Having Siblings

A couple of days ago it was National Sibling Day. It is described as “Siblings Day (sometimes called National Siblings Day or National Sibling Day) is a holiday recognized annually in some parts of the United States on April 10, honoring the relationships of siblings. Unlike Mother's Day and Father's Day, it is not federally recognized, though the Siblings Day Foundation is working to change this.” It was started by a lady named Claudia Evart who did it in honor of her siblings that passed away young. In this Five Things I Learned Having Siblings I am going to talk about, well, the five things I learned having siblings.

For those that do not know I have four older brothers and a younger sister. I know. Shocking. Most people assume that I am an only child. I know some people are down when it is National Sibling Day but don't fret because Only Child Day is the day after and there are people with siblings that do not get along all that well.

Are You Addicted To Porn?

Are you addicted to porn? This is a question I asked myself after watching an interview and reading some articles. Spoiler alert: no. I'm not. To me porn is something I use like dental floss. I don't do it every day but when I do I feel better and ask myself why I don't do it more often. Recently the actor Terry Crews was on Dr. Phil's show with his wife Rebecca King-Crews and they discussed what happened when she found out about his porn addiction. Oh. And prostitution. They buried the lead with that one. They and other writers have talked more about his porn addiction than the fact that he was using ladies of the night while married with five children.

After telling Terry that he would be paying child support for her and her new man she added “I said to him 'you know we're done right...yes I'm gonna leave your raggedy behind and I'm gonna take your money too. You gone pay me child support for me and my new man.” After a round of applause from the audience Terry added “Guys operate on pride. And you're successful you feel like that buys you a pass. I did not go to rehab to get my wife back. I went there because I needed to be a better person.” Rebecca stated that it took close to three years before she could trust Terry again. Likely meaning give up them draws which is why a lot of guys tend to cheat on their wives. The whole lack of draws getting. It's a vicious cycle!

Just Talking With Dante Episode 28

Jasmine is back which means we have recorded a new episode! In this one we talk about our recent Fat Tour to Good Girl Dinette, drink a bunch of weird ass sodas on air and one gets referred to as Fat Bitch, discuss delicious donuts, somehow end up talking about Dante getting arrested if he went to Carnivale, and what makes someone think they or others are attractive when they ain't. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 4

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

“We are the Arkho. In the short amount of time that your planet has left you may refer to me as Mother Bird. A being from a lesser galaxy, even lesser than this, was destroyed by your Johnny Panic who we have recently dispatched of. We arrived in hopes of a challenge and are greatly disappointed by what this planet had to offer. In three days time we will remove it from existence.”

“And...that...uh...is the transmission the entire globe received in every language known to mankind. I...should...I have to go.” And with that Tom Rockwell ran from his news desk.

“What a way to end a news report” Zazz said as the news went to a commercial.

“It's not like anything like this has ever happened before” I say to him. Yes, this is Ronica speaking. Johnny is still unconscious. “A faceless alien shows up, beats the only person that could stop them, and we have no way to win. I don't blame Rockwell from running.”

Folks Are Getting High On Bug Spray

I always say that if there was some sorta apocalypse that humans would find a way to get high or drunk. Even if they need to mix sand and the soles of sneakers they would find a way. In Indianapolis people are on that next level shit and getting high off bug spray. That's right. Bug spray. This is not just fucking people up, but it is turning them up to levels that are being described as zombie-like. Indianapolis Fire Department Captain Chris Major said “We describe it as being like a zombie. They cannot talk to us.” I guess that's when you know it is working.

“Their movements are slow and lethargic, a lot of drooling and a loss of function. We find them with their clothes off, eating the grass, pulling dirt out of the ground and trying to put it in their mouth” he continued. Side effects of this drug known as KD are the inability to walk, breathe, vomiting, dizziness, a catatonic state, and severe headaches. Sounds like a bomb ass orgasm to me. Giggity.

Woman Attacks Boyfriend With Sword

Sometimes I am on the wrong side of an argument. Like if anyone comes at Ashley Graham, I don't care if they're the Pope, I am gonna side with her. In this story about a sword attack I am on the side of the attacker for reasons I will try to explain. Badly.

Emily Javier waited until her video game playing boyfriend, suspecting of cheating ass was asleep when she attacked him with a sword. Before she went to bed she had taped it to the side. She felt that he played too many video games and was cheating on him after finding the Tinder app on his phone. She also said he had scratches across his back and there was another girls hair in their shower. Using her phone for light she began slicing. Just picturing this scene is absurd to me. Her boyfriend, at the time, Alex Lovell, said this in an interview and immediately made himself unlikable.